


Porcelain Doll

by littlecrim



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Action, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blowjobs, Character Deaths, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Guns, If talking ending in spouts counts as fluff then sure, Implied/Referenced Torture, Levi Is In Denial, M/M, Making Love, Minor Character Death, Possessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rimming, Romance, Short Story, Torture, Violence, psychotic tendencies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-04-24 18:15:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4930051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlecrim/pseuds/littlecrim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi was just getting by, strolling the streets for some extra cash, not to mention he'd get sex from it was a bonus. An unstable, juggled life he was living. </p><p>Then enters Erwin, a mysterious blond man who strolls into his life with a suitcase full of cash asking for him to quit his 'job.' Levi would have taken it from the first glance but there was something behind that charming smile of his client that made him hesitate. It was dangerous. And Levi was sure he was never going to be able to resist him any longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note:
> 
> This is my first angst multi-chaptered story so please bear with me. I'm going to try my best and make the story into my own but the main plot lines will be from the manga itself. 
> 
> This will be loosely based off the manga Ito-san.
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy!

The cramped room was almost suffocating. I exhaled with a heavy sigh watching the trails of the smoke swirl in the air before it disappeared into nothingness. A blanket wrapped around my naked torso while I lied on my stomach, staring at the blonde man who had a permanent smile plastered on his face. A crash of thunder sent my heart pounding. The evening sky was of perplexing dark blue. An assembly of droplets formed at the small window, rolling down to the bottom to dissipate. The spring rain thumped against my window almost combative. There was silence to listen to the rain, it was an empty comfort to fill the void in this rotting room. The floorboards under the thin cobalt blue carpet creaked inside the toilet. I also wondered why the bathroom had a carpet in it.

Every Tuesday night this man would come to a motel for a session. I would be laying completely naked on the bed. I had been exposed to such strangers before every part of my body was filled with shame slashed across my back and regret filled my abdomen. I would grab the closest blanket or pillow and cover myself like I was almost embarrassed to be seen in such a state. I would reflect upon these thoughts. I was no colourful peacock that was so alluring that I attracted simple men. My body is filled with shame but my mental state said otherwise. I was no broken thing, I was like a robot that was reported malfunctioned but being thrown out had given me freedom. If I were to say I got flustered over a man who wore shitty ties is an overstatement. I had no room in my current status to be involved in games.

He sat on the plastic chair, too small for his body build, even when I beckoned him to lie down he refused to obey me albeit I was being payed to satisfy him. The blue piercing pair contained a million mysteries that I could never solve. I would never attempt to move closer but at times he would casually lean in to kiss me. It would always be unexpected. Most of the time I would be trying to kick him out if he pissed me off and to simply kiss me would shut me up. He always tested me, those mysterious actions could never have a motive but the smile, that forged gesture would leave me thinking. Those kisses were supposed to be genuine though it was blatantly obvious that to think of something so naive was foolish. To be kissed, to not be kissed, to come to a result of fondness when what I do for a living was to sell myself repeatedly is laughable.

But this isn't to say that he was the only client to try bribe my personal feelings. I was not that easy. I had no intention to cease my profession. It had become my lifestyle. I would deny that I enjoyed it for half of the time I would be placed in a situation that was unfathomably indescribable but I would also deny that I disliked it. I was not simple. My desires varied.

Erwin sat still, I only noticed now the black briefcase he had on his lap. It looked confined and it was a black leather case and he caught my eyes darting to it briefly. He wore the usual black suit that was ironed well, his blonde hair combed back. In my eyes, from what I observed, he was just another first-class man. He never talked about himself only asking me about my life (which without a doubt, I refused to converse about). At times it seemed almost desperate because his questions were constantly persisting and he would repeat the same question until I would give in.

Our conversations were about nothing. Silly antics if you may call it that.

"You want to know what's in here?"

He was just another first class man who craved pleasure.

He set the briefcase on the bed and he slid the code swiftly to open it. He turned it around for me to see and I lost the control over my reaction as the content left me startled.

"What do you think?" He asked me. His smile never faltered. "This is enough, isn't it?"

"I don't understand. What's this supposed to be?" I looked at the briefcase full on cash that was probably enough to make me quit my job. It was suspicious. There were clients like these who would present a definite amount of cash to try 'buy' me permanently. If I somehow enjoyed what I do to keep myself alive then I would be flattered.

But I wasn't.

I didn't have the luxury to feel flattered or grateful. Besides, for a client to buy me so that I would be 'owned' by them were against the rules. Even in this business rules and regulations had to be followed. To say that I earned my freedom would also be an overstatement. I was full of contradictions whenever I tried to think about sorting out my thoughts. It was annoying. Yes, he is profoundly interested with an insignificant man like myself but there was that mutual understanding that I thought he understood why I needed to do this. Why he shouldn't ever cross that boundary of the customer and seller. I thought that had been the case.

"It's for you."

"Yeah, I know. You're practically flaunting it at my goddamn face. I can't accept it. Rules state that clients are not allowed to buy us from the agency. I appreciate it but no thanks." I took a drag from the cigarette and pushed the briefcase towards him.

"And why not, may I ask? It would benefit the agency altogether would it not?"

I sat up, the blanket slid down revealing my upper body. Erwin didn't hesitate to look at my chest. I smirked knowingly. "The agency's having difficulty picking up new people to hire. So they introduced it to stop losing people."

"Even if the money's worth than losing one person?"

"Yes.." I said slowly.

He chuckled, "I'm not trying to buy you, Levi. This is for you."

I gave him a cold look and didn't say anything.

"I know that you didn't come into this place willingly and this is your chance to start anew. You can quit this job, get yourself a proper apartment, and-" I held up a hand and he stopped talking. I took one last drag before I rubbed the tip on the ashtray on the lamp table beside the bed.

"No thanks. I don't like owing people."

"You don't have to pay me back. I am doing this without expecting anything back."

I huffed. "And you expect me to believe you?"

"Well no," he said scratching the back of his head, "I am aware that we've only known each other for a month so I'm not very surprised that you don't trust me at all."

"What makes you think that I'll use it for good reasons?"

"I think you will. No, I know you will." He stated it with such determination that I couldn't control myself from rolling my eyes.

"You don't know me, Erwin." I crossed my arms. "Think about it. I'm a whore. I've been doing this for as long as I remember. What makes you think I'll suddenly call quits just because I got a fuck load of money? I could waste this all on useless things and I'll be back to square one. Where will all that generosity go then once you find that I just took your money for granted? Down the fucking drain."

"Then I will be here to help you."

"I don't need your fucking pity. I can handle myself like you do. Just because you're some well paid man with a better social status than me doesn't mean you can suddenly try to show some kind of charity. I suck dick for a living, if you got a problem with that then I suggest you leave me the fuck alone."

"It's not that I pity you, Levi. It's much more than that."

"How is it more than just a pity?" I inquired. "That much money, it's a waste to give it to someone like me. You can get somethin' real nice with that so use it productively and don't involve me with it."

"I want to use it for my own desire and that is to give it to you." He pushed the briefcase towards me, more gently than I did. "I have never had the feeling of wanting to give so this.. feeling of selfishness is new to me."

"Well don't get used to it. I don't need it." I slammed the briefcase closed, grabbed it and tossed it at him. He caught it without a sweat and he stared at me like he was trying to analyze me before he sighed in defeat. Once again he smiled at me. I wanted to know what this man was thinking.

"I guess I'll try again some other time." He said.

"You don't need to gain my love, Erwin. That is never going to happen. I'm a whore. You're a man with with a proper job with a proper life."

"Ah, Levi," he muttered. "You don't know what I do for a living, do you?" A shiver ran up my spine at the sound of the dark hollowness of his voice. It was empty but controlling and when I exchanged gazes I felt unable to break it. The way he said that with such a low voice was so mysterious and when I realised that it was difficult for me to read him made me feel like I was weaker than him. I hated feeling below someone.

I smirked in triumph and crawled over to him and the sheets slid off me completely as I sat on his lap with my legs crossed. "So how about we make you feel good, hm? All we do is talk, I'm sure you get bored of it." I said in a low voice. I trailed my fingers from his cheek down to his neck and he caught my wrist just when I was about to dip my finger into his shirt.

"You are never boring to talk to, Levi." He said tenderly. My eyes widened at his boldness. His voice was like a piercing silver, that would nearly make me believe that everything he was saying was real. "Unless, I'm the one who's not being the best company."

"Well, I haven't cut you off, have I?" I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Don't get ahead of yourself. You pay good and you always pay a little bit extra plus you don't fuck me so I get a chance to relax."

"It must be tiring to have to do this as a living," he muttered, "my offer will always be up. I want you to be happy."

"Like hell you do."

He placed a hand on my hips and began to lean in. For some reason I denied him. Which only led me to think that I was not satisfying my customer. If a kiss was what he wanted then I'll give it to him however he wanted. Yet I hesitated. I moved my head so that his lips met the side of my mouth and he chuckled. He pulled me closer, his warmth felt like an unfamiliar tug of temptation that tried to lure me. It was like an empty room where I was restricted and alone, but the heat would let me fall into a trance of pure ecstacy trying to fool me into thinking it was happiness.

His words sounded real. In that moment as I stared into his eyes for the upteenth time I almost stumbled to find myself out of the haze that I was placed in. I almost believed him.

Unfortunately, people who seek company for people like me, would never be genuine. In my line of work there are two types of people that I often served; those who wanted to fulfill a wanted desire and those who wanted to forget. I would place in the curiosity because I have met customers who were willing to try and fuck a man. Of course, a few of those had become regulars and they were like hungry hyenas trying to ravage every inch of my skin.

Erwin held up his wrist to check the time and sighed. "I have to go."

I sneered at him. "Going home to your innocent family?" The words flew right out of my mouth without a second thought. I meant none of it but this was me. I always took the risk to speak my mind. It was one of the reasons why I ended up like this. "I'm sure they'd be ecstatic to find that you've been cheating with some whore."

He looked at me with amused eyes and his mouth curved upwards. "I'm not married, Levi. You shouldn't assume so easily. It'll leave you with paranoia." He said grabbing my chin and forced me meet his eyes. "You've, changed me in some way and some day you will have to compensate for that."

I growled as I turned my head sharply, "I don't fucking owe you anything. Don't think that you can just dilly dally here and think you have the right to control me."

"Ah. But Levi, I do," he forced me to look at him as he grabbed my chin with a force that he never used before. His smile turned mischievous. It seemed like a threat and I could only glare in reply.

"Just get out."

"I will be back next week. You gave me a name and for that I'm grateful."

He lifted me up and I yelped as he placed me gently down on the bed. He looked down at me as he straightened his tie, and all the shivers went straight to my groin for some absurd reason. It looked predatory and by the way I was sprawled on the bed with my bare body, I was at his complete mercy. But he knew it was not that easy to capture me. As fragile as my body looked no matter how many purple flowers bloomed devotedly across my chest I was not weak.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I hope that you will find out sooner or later. Or if never, then that will be fine too."

He left before I could even blink and the walls of the room began to close in on me. Suddenly I could smell the rotting wood, the rain continued to pour on the roof, it's layers seemed like it could collapse any minute. The creaks never stopped, the storm continued to play it's melancholy orchestra and I was left utterly confused and infuriated with a man I wished who never came back. A man with broken promises.

* * *

_I sat on the edge of the bed, analyzing the blonde man who took a seat on a plastic chair a few metres away from me. Further than what I had ever expected. His distance was too great and I wondered if he wanted me to take the first move._

_"Oi."_

_He was looking around the room and upon hearing my voice he turned to me and flashed a vibrant smile. It was so fabricated, sewn repeatedly until it was the definition of perfection. I seldom met a man who could smile so innocently when it contrasted his actions. Men like him; they were dangerous._

_"What's your name?"_

_"I suppose it would be E."_

_"That your initials for your first name?"_

_"I suppose you can say that."_

_"So what is it? Erwin? Eric?"_

_"Erwin." He answered with a smile. "Erwin is my name."_

_"And tell me, Erwin, what did you come to me for? You into anything? Otherwise if it's for casual can we get a start on it I want this to be over I'm aching to have a smoke."_

_"I wasn't interested in anything to have to do with sex. I just want to talk. You can smoke if you wish."_

_I huffed. "I'm not some entertainer. You can go to some stand up comedy or some shit like that." I placed the cigarette between my lips. "Don't waste my time."_

_"I'm paying for you to satisfy me, that's your job, no?"_

_"My job is to be fucked to satisfy you. I don't talk."_

_"You can make some exceptions then. I'm willing to pay double. Just this once, I'm only around for a while and I assure you that you will never have to see me again."_

_"Why? Business trip?"_

_He hummed in response, "I suppose you could call it that. If I tell you I would have to kill you." He chuckled._

_"Alright,_ Erwin _. I'll make this one exception."_

_"That's highly appreciated. Thank you."_

_"Nothing personal or I make sure you don't come near this area ever again."_

_"You hold that much power? Even when you do this," he gestured to my body, "for a living?"_

_"You assume that I don't hold any power over anything just because I get fucked. That's such a shitty judgement. I can make people beg on their knees even when I'm the one who's supposed to be on the ground."_

_"I apologize for making such a poor assumption, then. So thank you again. I'll refrain from asking personal questions."_

_"That's a fucking deal."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all need some Hanji and Levi time.
> 
> This chapter was beta'd by lovely Lolipaw. Enjoy!
> 
> Edit: I fucked up. Hanji's partner is supposed to be Moblit in this story but I ended up putting Mike blindly. I will fix it when I have the time, I apologise for any confusions.

I was growing impatient by the minute as I knocked on the door for the third time now. I had already finished a cigarette and was on my second one. I hugged my soaked coat tighter though it didn't make a difference because it was still raining and I was still outside. The street was busy, loud cheers came from the bars as some soccer match was playing. Music resonated from the farthest end of the road and drunken girls with sparkling dresses laughed with smudged make up, not bothered by the fact that the rain was not going to stop any time soon. The small gutter kept one half of my anterior dry though it didn't keep me warm. The smell from the nearby Chinese restaurant filled my nose. The mixture of onion, garlic, dried fish and spices made an impeccable combination.

"What the fuck is keeping that woman?" I growled. I banged my clenched hand against the wood, screaming to her to open the goddamn door.

I glanced at the street again. The lines of run-down terraced houses were already beginning to rot. The fences that divided each small garden were rusty and the white paint scraped off from the metal, pieces of the peeled paint scattered below it. One house had broken plastic kiddie bikes outside its door, the house beside it had grass growing near the pathway heading towards it. This house in front of me was pretty well kept. It was probably the cleanest one out of the whole lot of them.

The square was part of the inner city although it was not looked after. There was a lack of surveillance, no matter what building you went into you'll end up getting caught up in some unwarranted procedure. It was small and old as the spacing between the brick pavements was away, and you'd often see stupid women and men who wore heels tripping over, breaking a nose as it'd get stuck in it. The worst part of it all was that they laugh loudly afterwards as blood gushed out of their noses. Hanji, my contractor, lived just outside the square and the neighbourhood was surprisingly quiet. I found it difficult to seek comfort in her company as I only felt indebted and I ached to finally pay it all off. I worked hard in the industry and I was her shining prize. Everyone started off with zero experience and when I was only new to it all, men were attracted to that. They were willing to paint every inch of my skin red and their thorns prickled my way of living. Then those customers became regulars and I climbed my way up. It didn't take that much effort.

This area was small enough that nearly everyone knew everyone. The majority of people who resided in this hellhole had similarities in their life. Different situations but the outcome of it was that they didn't have a home like I did. We were dancing in this masquerade alone and to be quite frank I would say a fight will break out at some point. The door finally opens revealing the brown haired woman, her glasses hastily put on as one side slanted to her cheeks. She was panting lightly, her breath became visible in this cold night and her forehead was soaked with sweat. Her brown hair was a fucking mess as it was up in all directions. I dared to look down and revealed to myself that there were no articles of clothing to be found. I groaned as I slapped a hand to my forehead. Surely I now know why it took her so long. When I brought my eyes up to her again she was smiling widely with her arms stretched out towards me.

"Fuck no. I'm not hugging you until you put some shirt on." I took a step back and the rain fully poured on my head. I sighed in defeat letting it soak me.

She pouted crossing her arms and her breasts bounced lightly. If it was a time during my high school years, the sight would've turned me on even for the slightest bit, but right now I felt nothing.

"You're no fun, Levi! Here I was tryin' to seduce you so we can have a threesome." She hmph'ed and turned away from me, walking back to the house.

"Oi, make sure to put some underwear on. Fuck's sake, Hanji, I don't want to talk to you with your vagina out." I dropped the cigarette on the ground behind me not bothering to put it out as the damp ground would do it for me.

I heard a cackling laugh followed by a door opening. I removed my boots placing it neatly on the rug. I shrugged out of my coat which was dripping wet and carried it to the kitchen. I threw it into the washing machine along with my jeans. Her kitchen was small and I noticed her husband sitting down on the table with a cup of hot drink in his hand. He smiled sheepishly at me and I gave a curt nod. It was homey for a woman who ran an escort agency. To be honest I expected a person like Hanji would be living somewhere where the living standards were better, but, as I said before, that place was not where she belonged. These escort agencies were tricky, if you weren't careful enough you'd get busted. However, if Hanji was your boss then you wouldn't have to break a sweat. She makes it work that the police don't even turn their heads in our direction. I don't fully understand how it works, I only solely focus on the task I'm given and that was to give them a good time. During my rookie days, Hanji only set me up for simple dates where they paid me in return for no sexual encounters. I was a fool to believe that it would last forever and I have forgotten that she said it was a warm-up thinking back on it.

"Nice fuck while you left me to rot in the cold?" I asked grabbing a cup from the cupboard. I turned the faucet and placed the cup under it. I heard Mike sputter behind me and I didn't have to turn around to tell that he was blushing profusely.

"I'm so sorry, Levi, if I knew that you we-"

"Save it, hotshots, you knew. I get it. You were in the middle of it." I smirked. He refused to meet me in the eye and suddenly the kitchen seemed to be the most fascinating thing he's ever seen. I bit the inside of my lip from smiling and I was sure that my eyes were shimmering with amusement.

He shyly dared to make eye contact with me, his cheeks still a hue of pink but his eyes were filled with such adoration and he smiled. "I guess I can't run away from that."

I hummed into the cup eyeing the cracked ceiling. The corner near the window had a hollow hole and I could hear the water rushing through the pipes.

"How is she?"

"Good. Better than last week at least. She's gotten ahold of them and said that she didn't need to take further action though I'm not so sure if she should be letting them off so easily."

I nodded, understanding what he meant by that. Runaways should never be taken lightly. Thinking that they could easily disappear without a word and go unnoticed when they worked under Hanji was a grave mistake. I wouldn't even dare to do something like that. I saw it once (by accident, of course) in this house when they brought up a woman who got a man to buy her a ticket to get out of the town and she thought she was safe.

I only had a glance of it before Mike pulled me away from the scene. It was something I could never erase from my head. I realized then how terrifying it is. This wasn't where there was an easy way out. Of course, it would've been different if she came to Hanji and her mistake was doing the exact opposite. I can slightly understand why she didn't though. When Hanji was at work she was like another woman. It's not that I feel threatened by Hanji but I could never think twice about leaving. Like I said, I am indebted to her. If she wasn't late to work and didn't see me collapse that day I would be dead to the world right now. My body wouldn't have had a proper funeral. There would be no tears, no coffin. Just a lifeless body where by the time it took to identify my body they would realize that there was no one to bring it to.

"Guess she's becoming a softie then, eh? That's probably your own fault."

My voice had no bite behind it and it was a compliment. People who knew me enough, Mike being one of them, knew the difference between my word vomits. He smiled softly and had the audacity to fucking blush. Alright, maybe I expected him to sort of react better than that. Albeit it was nice to see that Hanji had someone who loved her. Despite what she did for a living Mike was so fucking innocent. I always wondered what kind of softie ended up in the Square. It was strange because I have known him since I was eighteen and he's never changed. Probably broken, but sometimes I feel that he didn't belong here.

He looked too good. Too naive of the world.

"Haha - yeah. I can't run away with that either. I do love her and to be honest I think I can confidently say that she needs me just as I need her."

God, what a fucking sap.

But I don't say anything, only nodding once. Hanji entered the room finally wearing clothes and hugged me. I awkwardly patted her back, wanting to pull away as fast as possible. She sighed happily. I raised a brow in question because a few hours ago I was sure that all hell was going to break loose. I've never seen Hanji that mad before. I would be lying if I said that she didn't scare me even the slightest bit.

"Levi, Levi, sweet ravioliiii! Give momma some love!"

I gasped as she tightened her hug and - damn, this woman can hug.

"Get off me I can't f'king breath-"

She finally let go still smiling. She ruffled my hair and she knew I despised it when she did that. I glared but it didn't faze her. It was useless. I don't know why I try but I do it anyway.

"Soo want some tea? I know you'll probably want to stay over for the night."

"Yeah, thanks.." I grumbled taking a seat beside Mike. "One sugar a-"

"And no milk. I know how you like your tea so sit back and relax." There was a smile in her voice, I didn't have to doubt that.

The fact that she just knew something so small about me already made my heart to beat faster. I knew Hanji for a long time now and the small things that only she notices because she actually takes the time to observe me - I wasn't used to that.

"Tired?"

I shrugged, "I've had busier days. I've gone at it for a whole night before you do know that, right? I wonder whose fault that was."

"I'm sorryyy! That was totally my bad! Let it go, Levi! C'mon sing it with me!" She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, "Let it go! Let it g- ow!"

"You're an idiot."

"How rude..." She pouted rubbing at her stomach. "Well? What did you come here for? You didn't come here for a visit." Her change of posture stiffened and I cleared my throat.

"I need to do overtime, my landlord decided to bring up my rent."

This sentence made her react as she jumped at the request. "Again? Why?! Levi, honey, this is why I keep telling you that you can live with us!"

"No thanks, I don't want to hear a chihuahua and a fucking deer going at it every thirty minutes."

"Then why did Rico bring up the rent? I'll talk to her."

"No." I interjected. "I.. I had a fight with her last week and it got out of hand so we-"

Hanji groaned in frustration and I felt embarrassed that she had to see this irrational side of me whenever my anger seemed to overtake my common sense. She knew this all too well and she also knew that Rico wasn't the nicest lady on the street. The woman had sharp senses and almost won an argument against me which happened to be last week. Hanji was the one who placed me in that apartment because she said at the time that I would be able to cope with it. I did. Honestly, I can't complain because it had everything I needed. Nothing more nothing less but it was that damn woman who just had this attitude that wanted me to bash her face against the concrete. She would inspect my fucking house when I was gone and with reason that it was technically hers. What kind of person even thinks that way?

"I keep telling you to lay down low!"

"How can I lay low when she breaks into my apartment every fucking day?!" I retaliated.

"Ask politely? Change the locks?" When I didn't answer she sighed and I sort of felt bad. I don't mean to rise up the rent. I guess I didn't think of the consequences which happens too often for regretted it. Even if it led me to living this lifestyle, I had no regrets because I'm just another selfish person who wanted their own freedom. I know this kind isn't even close to freedom. Fuck, I'm not even making any sense. "I'll talk to her. No need for over time."

"I don't need you to do that for me. I'm coping, I don't want to get kicked out, alright? Just give me more clients for the next two weeks. If you could let any of my regulars know that I'm available for more hours the easier this can be." She doesn't argue and forces a smile. It said 'if that's what you think it best then okay but if I see you slip up then you're going back to where you came from' and I knew, she knew, there was not a chance I would ever screw up.

"I'll text you the details."

I gave a nod, ignoring the future thoughts of what my body will be like after those two weeks.

* * *

"Levi."

I was annoyed. I was very annoyed. I tch'ed as he entered the room with his trench coat folded neatly in one hand and his blonde hair combed back with so much gel that it looked like it was rock hard. He held the same briefcase every week that I saw him His eyes were sparkling so brightly in this lightly dim room my eyes could squint. I hated how bright they looked. They were piercing cobalt blue and the way he looked at me tonight made my legs feel like liquid. I had to sit down on the bed. He scanned every inch of my body and the fact that he was undressing me with his eyes lit a fire in my chest and it burned oh so warmly.

We were in the same cramped room from last week (Erwin seemed to have taken a liking to this room) and the man downstairs was a drunken bastard and reeked of it when he tried to land a kiss on me. I obviously landed a punch and didn't have to play it safe because he was already too pissed to remember. Stupid ass mustache man.

"Nice to see you again."

"Why are you here?"

He chuckled lowly, "I'm here for your company, why else would I be here?"

I scratched my head in frustration and I noticed my undercut was growing. Hanji is so fucking stupid. Out of all the clients it had to be this man with weird eyebrows and eyes that could make me fall on my knees. Wait, what? Fall on my knees? That thought never crossed my mind before. This is ridiculous. She booked me saying that for three nights I'm going to have to service him for two hours. This was fucking great. Not only am I having an internal debate with myself but he's managed to worm his way into my work for three nights. Three nights. I usually saw him every week and having to see him more than once this week, I can tell that this was going to be aggravating.

"Don't you have friends, Erwin?" I sighed into my hand. I hear him walking around the bed to my side. He stood right in front of me. I was sitting down at the edge of the bed when he tugged on my hands and he grabbed my chin to face up to him. He was smiling like the fucking sun. But it was fake. It had to be. How could he be happy to spend time with some whore?

"Would you be surprised if I said no?"

"Kind of. You're weird but I think you'd have at least a few."

He chuckled and crawled onto the bed taking his shoes off as he did so. He leaned against the headboard and patted the empty space beside him. I gave him a pointed look. "If we're going to be cuddling for two hours then you can forget about seeing me tomorrow and the following days."

He was looking so amused right now that I was getting more and more frustrated. "We'll only be sitting beside each other. If you don't want to then I won't force you."

I hesitated. I considered it. At the end I crawled to the empty space beside him nearest to me and we just sat there in silence for a good while. It wasn't awkward but there was a strange tension. It was indescribable because it was light and it lingered as it was probably all these questions that our heads were screaming to know, but no one took the first step. I respected that. It relieved me. I didn't want him knowing about my life. I didn't want to know about his stupid family either. I remember what he said to me last week that I shouldn't assume but how can I not assume something so obvious? The way he dressed up, the way he talked, the way his face just seemed to be clear from mistakes, how could he not have a perfect family?

Why is he here? With me?

It was a question I wanted to ask so badly but my pride and tongue refused to let me even move a muscle.

He continued to smile and I wanted to kiss him then. The thought flashed into my head and I quickly got rid of it.

"So how have you been?" He asked the usual question. I answered the usual sentence.

"Shitty. You?"

"You're always in a shitty mood. I can't seem to make a difference just being here."

I scoffed. The nerve. "You think just being here would make my day better? You have balls, I'll give you that."

"There are other times where I feel that coming here would only leave you in a sour mood. I make appointments with you because I feel like you need a break from  _those_  people."

I roll my eyes. "You need to engrave this into your mind, alright? I am one of those people. Hell, I'm the one selling myself to them. So you shouldn't be concerned about me. This is my life, you don't need to babysit me."

He laughs softly at this and my heart does a weird clench that I have never experienced in my life. It terrified me.

"You always have to prove to me that you're independent and I do agree, Levi. You are. But to me it seems like you keep making excuses rather than accepting that I'm trying to help you. There's no reason for you to take this so negatively."

I didn't answer back and there was another silence. I thought about what he said and maybe I was. But I wasn't about to thank him for it. This is what he wanted to do for me? Alright. That's his choice and as long as it's not making a mess I'll have no problem.

Again the same thought presented itself.

Why?

But I couldn't ask. I don't know why I couldn't.

It terrified me.

* * *

_"You're so weird. Why do you wear that tie?"_

_He looked down at his tie that was brightly yellow and had creepy smiley faces engraved all over it._

_"You like it?"_

_I paused._

_"No, it looks disgusting."_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that this chapter contains heavy non-con elements.   
> Thank you for the comments and kudos, they are highly appreciated ;A;

 

My feet pounded heavily against the cement as I slipped through the narrow alleyway in a blur. I heard the men shouting behind me, at least three were on my tail. I shrugged off my coat, turned it inside out and when the brightness appeared at the end I prayed that the crowd was bigger than usual. I smirked seeing a group of teens huddled up as they were passing the alleyway. I ran faster and slipped into the middle of them earning a few looks of displeasure.

 

"What the fuck?" One of the guys said.

 

"Quiet. Keep walking or you're going to get shot."

 

"You're tiny, man. Are you sure you have a gun with you?"

 

The look I gave them was enough to shut the baldy up. "Say that to me one more time and you're going to be the first one to go." 

 

I lifted my shirt to show the airsoft pistol gun and when they all audibly gulped I knew they fell for it. They hid me and continued to walk nonchalantly. I placed my coat on. The bright orange colour was hidden and the inside was black, coincidentally matching the whole group's winter coats. One of the men ran out only to curse loudly and another ushered orders to go find me. 

 

When we turned the corner I stepped out and pulled my hood up. They didn't say anything seeming to know that they served their true purpose and didn't ask questions. They didn't turn to look at me. No one exchanged glances. It took a few minutes to arrive at Hanji’s. It was early in the morning and the sky was a calming blue. The street was almost empty around this time as everyone basically slept because they lived during the night. As usual her house was the cleanest but you could already see the cream coloured paint coming off around the windows and the wooden door was rotting.

 

I knocked loudly and it opened two seconds later. Hanji blinked through her glasses and turned her back on me to go to her kitchen. 

 

“Surprise.” 

 

She turned around to see the parcel I was holding out and her eyes widened in shock. She took it from my hands and shoved me inside, slammed the door closed. “Levi,” she gasped as she opened it, “h-how? You- I thought Moblit -”

 

I shrugged shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket. “I happened to come across a client who needed to pass some coke because some idiot nearly fucked up and couldn’t take the risk to give him a second chance.” I smirked. “He happened to mention that the idiot was married to a psycho who liked to ask people for threesomes.”

 

She scratched the back of her head suddenly embarrassed. I smacked the back of her head. “Don’t force your little hubby to take on jobs like these if he can’t do it properly.” I scolded. 

 

It wasn’t like me to tell people what to do. It wasn’t my business. If they fucked up and got killed then so be it. It didn’t bother me. But Hanji was my boss and if her husband slipped, one single move could open bad paths with consequences that would only leave me with nothing. 

 

“He actually offered.” She said as she folded her arms. “He said something about feeling useless and I happened to have someone to smuggle a few things. I know my little hubby has zero experience but I thought it would be a good experience.”

 

“Even if it meant getting caught? Are you fucking stupid or something?”

 

She held her hands up in defense. “I instructed him as best as I could! C’mon, Levi-poo, don’t you know me at all?” 

 

I didn’t answer. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her to make bad decisions. When it came to Moblit she always seemed to waver. It was likely that he felt restless and wanted to take on something out of his comfort zone. I knew the feeling all too well.

 

“Would you like some tea? I bought that Twinings brand you like so much.”

 

My ears perked up at the mention of it. I wordlessly walked into the kitchen and she laughed quietly behind me. I flipped the switch and the kettle turned on. I leaned on the counter as I waited patiently for the water to boil. She hummed as she sat down on the chair. The table was messy with papers sprawled out like a gust of wind made the neatly pile of papers dispersed to cover the whole table. I grimaced at the sight. The laptop was on top of the white sheets and cup of coffee was beside it.

 

“Your table looks like a hurricane happened in the house.” I said.

 

“Actually I was looking for these- Hey!”

 

“Where’s Moblit?” I asked ignoring the pout she gave me. She snapped out of it when I mentioned his name.

 

“He’s in the ER.” She scratched the back of her neck, it was something she did out of habit when she was nervous about something. The usual Hanji, no matter how dire the situation is, was collected. It didn’t really worry me that she was being like this now. Whatever happened to him, it probably could have been worse. Call me a heartless prick but I’ve lived too long in this shithole to know what was bad and what was worse.

 

“Little Moblit was so clumsy! I came home and he was running down the stairs he slipped and came rolling down like some armadillo.” She explained refusing to look at me but shook her head. “He said he was fine but I took him to Sina hospital just to make sure. Wouldn’t want my wittle baby dying on me.”

 

“Alright,” I turned around to open a cupboard to grab a mug, “so what really happened?” 

 

“Huh?” 

 

I grabbed the Twinnings packet and slipped one bag into the mug. I took the kettle and poured the hot liquid carefully, filled it up to a half and poured cold water to fill it up. I turned around. She halted her actions, meeting my sharp gaze. “You do know that I can tell when you’re lying, right?” She clicked her tongue and I rolled my eyes. 

 

I gave her a pointed look. “Well? I don’t have all day. Spit it out.”

 

She sighed. “He got too reckless. Someone was tailing him. I got ahead of myself and gave him the go to call the guy since the person who was supposed to give him the supplies didn’t show up.” 

 

“And the person tailing him was a cop?”

 

She nodded slowly. I inhaled sharply.  

 

“You’re sure?”

 

“He had to run for it. I don’t know if it was a setup or not. Well, I know it wasn’t ‘cause you did just take over his job but it didn’t make sense.” She shook her head and sighed again, “I made sure all the messages that were being sent back and forth wasn’t being observed. I have no idea how that cop knew there was shit going down.”

 

“Maybe the other side wasn’t being careful as you were?” I asked as I leaned on the kitchen island. “Or you were actually set up.”

 

“I thought that too but old man Pixis doesn’t do sloppy deals. If he wants something he’ll do it with precision. So I tried to investigate on it and I think it might be one our clients.”

 

I frowned at the suggestion. It wasn’t wrong. Someone in the agency might be actually spilling some information that could lead us into a whirlwind of a mess. My stomach suddenly burned for no reason. I could call it a bad feeling but it wouldn’t help assuming now. Pixis was a stubborn man but he was rather fond of Hanji, as everyone would be. No matter how fanatic she came out to be, people of the Square knew not to underestimate her.  “How did you come up to that conclusion? It could be one of your helpers. Or your bodyguards.” 

 

“No, Levi. I only hire the best, you know that. I’ve been thinkin’ about anyone recently hired… But nothing is connecting. I don’t know how that cop was there.” She rubbed her head until her ponytail came undone and her brown hair fell around her face. “I think we have a traitor.”

 

“How are you sure it's someone inside?”

 

“When have my hunches ever been wrong? “

 

I nodded. “I’ll keep an eye out. I’ll be over at the bar later before I have to meet up with a client.”

 

“Be careful, Levi.”

 

I huffed. “I always am.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

  
  


I entered the Wall of Rose and the smell of sweat and sex instantly filled my nostrils. The bar was dimly lit, light jazz music played. It was packed as usual, many consisting of men in expensive suits, leather shoes that costed twice I ever earned in one whole year. 

 

There were a couple of women present and they dropped by to get tall, young men to escort them for some extravagant charity ball. I've been brought a couple of times a few years ago. I could still remember the first time I danced with a woman who I could barely recall now. I suppose to be able to ride a limousine was already a luxury itself but I also got to experience what it was like to attend such events. It was amusing to see the corruption that lurked behind the curtains as powerful magnates bribed each other with lust and riches. 

 

Of course, it didn’t only happen in these events, men who walk in the bar who let out such a dominant aura that screamed power and money already had their hands dirty. No matter how many times they washed those filthy hands it was impossible to attempt to erase what you dirtied yourself. I walked to the bartender, Mike, who waved when our eyes met. I sat on the barstool, ordered my usual drink and downed it in one go. The burning sensation ran down my throat and the taste was never appealing. I turned around to look around the bar as I leaned casually against the counter. Mike was talking to this man who looked like he couldn’t even afford once glas of water. His odour reached my nose and I turned my head away. 

 

It wasn’t unusual to see homeless people drop by. We didn’t give them anything free but we treated them like any customers and that was with respect. It was Hanji’s bar, so it was no doubt everyone was welcome. I didn’t dislike homeless people. I was living like they were not too long ago. I knew how you lived in those cold streets, surviving on whatever your hands landed on. 

 

“Hey, Levi!” Mike called out to me. I turned around and saw that the homeless man was smiling shyly with an overgrown beard. “He wants some company for tonight, he was wondering if you wanted to join him.” 

 

I crossed my arms across my chest. I gave them an impassive look while moving two seats so that I was right beside the man. “I’m not cheap, mister. I hope you know that.” I said.

 

“I-I can afford you! Mike said I could!” He said it with such confidence, like a child trying to prove something to his teacher. 

 

I huffed. “Whatever Mike said, forget it. I have plans.”

 

“But-” 

 

I was already turning around but a rough hand grabbed my arm. I turned around, saw the man reaching out to grab me and I gripped the arm that held mine with my other hand. I didn’t even put pressure and his grip began to loosen. He was weak.  I twisted his arm, he howled in pain and stood up. I side kicked his leg and he fell to the ground looking so fucking pitiful. But I didn’t say anything. I only nodded to Mike who called for the guards. His protests was lost in the chatter and I felt satisfied with that. Mike had placed another shot glass on the counter and I downed it, ignoring the vile taste that spread across my tastebuds.

 

I reminded myself that it was never supposed to taste nice. That wasn't the alcohol’s job. He returned wiping a clear glass and his uniform fitted him quite nicely. I sipped on the coke while observing him silently. Hanji’s words rang in my head. I thought back to when he began to work for Hanji, it was years before I even met her. It couldn't have been him. If he did leak information then he would have done so long ago. If he was planning to corner her, it would be unlikely. I didn't notice he caught me glaring daggers at him because the next thing I knew his face was inches away from mine. 

 

“You alright?” He asked me. He broke the eye contact first when I shrugged in response. “You looked like you were plotting my murder.”

 

“What if I was?” 

 

He was taken aback by my sudden question and my voice didn't show any hint of amusement. He set the glass underneath the counter where the cupboard full of them probably was. “I wouldn't be at all surprised if you were. You look like you do it on a daily basis.” 

 

“You make it sound like I kill for a living.” I commented.

 

“That’s because I just did.” He chuckled. 

 

“Shut up. A margarita please, and I’ll spare your life today.” He nodded and filled another shot glass with vodka. He slid it across the counter in which I caught with ease. I downed it, the burning sensation numbed against my throat. I slammed the glass on the counter to catch Mike’s attention. His eyes glanced to me. “Anything to report?” 

 

He shook his head. He tilted his head towards the kitchen and I slipped out of my seat and I exited the bar to go to the backdoor. I waited for a few moments and Mike opened the door.

 

“Petra said someone tried to force information out of her.” He began closing the door behind him. 

 

“And the said person?”

 

He shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants. “Last time I was told, he’s currently being held by Erd for questioning.”

 

I was surprised. It was unusual that Hanji was being too cautious with this whole thing when this happens often. “I hope you don’t expect me to interrogate him.”

 

His shoulders deflated at that. “It would give us an advantage if we let you do it since you’re the best one at doing it.”

 

“I’m not some heartless bastard who will always be up for beating people up.” I said looking to my side. The alleyway was dark and narrow enough that people who passed by wouldn’t be able to see anything. “But if I have to then I don’t really have any choice, do I?”

 

“You’re welcome to decline. I was just pointing that out.”

 

I took a cigarette and Mike offered his lighter. I nodded in thanks and we stood in silence for a few more minutes before we exchanged goodbyes.

 

\--

 

I left to go to the hotel which would take a few minutes to walk to. The man reeked of sweat when I arrived. His big stomach protruded visibly from his button up. He had a sickening smile upon my sight and his fat fingers beckoned me over. 

 

“Levi! Nice of you to drop by.”

 

“Let's just get this shit over and done with, Ralph.”

 

This man particularly liked to over extend his time and it annoyed me to no end. 

 

“Ah, but Levi I was thinking you would do something a little different for me today,” he spoke feigning some weird innocence. 

 

I folded my arms. “Whatever it is, out with it. I haven't have all day.”

 

Without warning, hands grabbed my arms and I was pushed roughly on the bed. Before I could even realise what was happening, they bound my hands behind my back and two men I have never seen before stood beside the bed with the same twisted expression Ralph wore. 

 

“What-”

 

Hands grabbed my jeans pushing them down and my jacket and shirt was discarded roughly from me and, without warning, one of them pushed their cock inside me. 

 

“A-ah, fuck..” My eyes bulged out, the pain on my lower back was excruciating, burning like fire without passion. I saw red. Nothing else.

 

Jeers slipped from their filthy mouths. Whoever was inside me was fluid in his thrusts with no self-control as he pounded into me like an animal in heat, his hands grabbed my neck and squeezed. It was not hard enough that I had trouble breathing but it became more difficult to concentrate. My mind went into full defense, tensing up and any evident emotions were pushed rapidly to the back of my brain. His groans became louder and a dick was pressed against my lips. When I did not open, the angle of the thrusts changed slightly and brushed against my prostate. I gasped loudly and the opportunity was taken. My eyes travelled up to meet with Ralph’s who was looking smug. I never wanted to kill a man so badly in my whole life.

 

“Suck.” He ordered. 

 

I showed no signs of complying and so he helped himself by thrusting his cock into my mouth. It didn’t help that he was thick, he took a fistful of my hair holding it tightly. He tugged painfully without even noticing that tears were leaking from my eyes. I didn't move my tongue to pleasure him in any way. My throat burned as I gagged a couple of times as Ralph's cock went deeper. None of them cared. I had momentarily lost composure that I desperately needed to get me through this. The man behind me trailed his hands part of my tainted body, not leaving a space for me to see where his marks had left a black surface of repulsion. 

 

He slapped my ass, the hands that held my hands behind me tightened even more. My arms were being pulled, becoming more painful but I could not scream. I could not even moan.

 

“You like that, Levi? God look at you taking my cock like the slut you are.”

 

“He likes it rough, man.” Ralph said over me. “You little whore, Levi. I bet you want us to fuck you ‘till you faint. You want that, don’t you?”

 

I ceased to comprehend what they spewed at me as their voices seemed far-off and I only wanted this to end. My body responded as the man brushed over my prostate repeatedly. I thought about being calm. I attempted to drown out the pain on my lower back the fact that my puckered hole was probably bleeding. I was not prepared and my guard was down. I could not even reprimand myself because this was the punishment I was receiving. 

 

The initial thought that entered me was Erwin’s smiling face. His soft touches and glistening blue eyes. His empty promises. Somehow it almost made me forget about what was happening but I knew that was impossible. This wasn’t the first time this happened. It was disgusting how I managed to find a small but evident escape from this painful fuck. As two cocks forcefully shoved behind me and inside my mouth, all I could picture was the damn smile and useless conversations that always wanted me to question why. 

 

No matter how many times I endured being forced against my will I am left powerless with no way in perceiving opulence. Then again, I was never going to be that person who would ever gain such a thing. Sex is an interesting thing. When people speak of sex, they mention love, passion and trust. They speak uttering sweet nothings as you feel pure ecstasy. But in this world, sex isn’t about any of those. Sex is about power. When you have power, you have order. 

 

I didn’t know when they had finished, my state of consciousness only returned when my eyes glazed around the empty room and the bed was filled with cash mixed with semen. I didn’t even know who’s come it belonged to. I was filthy. I sat up slowly, struggling as I did so, and reached inside the pocket of my jeans. I took out my phone and sent a long text to Hanji about what happened. That was going to be the last time I’ll ever see that shit’s face and I was late. I lied back down, closing my eyes for a few minutes before I endeavored to dress myself up. I gathered the cash and left the room. I fished out the packet of cigarettes, letting one hand by my mouth as I stepped out of the revolving doors of the hotel. The sun had already set, lamp posts came to life one by one. The day passed by without another beat and I sighed. If I remembered  my next client was Erwin, and I felt a wash of relief. 

 

I tugged on my coat and took my time walking to the very same apartment complex we would meet in and for once, I was actually looking forward to it.

 

\--

_ “Erwin.” _

 

_ “Hm?” _

 

_ “Do you have a lighter?”  _

 

_ He lifted his head from the book he was reading. “Do I look like someone who would have one?” He asked amused. _

 

_ “No, but I think I lost mine and I’m pretty fucking sure it was in one of my pockets.” _

 

_ He smiled. “I’m sure you can survive without it for a few hours. Can you endure?” _

  
_ I thought about it and eventually shrugged. He went back to reading and I observed him silently. There was an itching thought that told he hid it from me. But I stayed quiet and basked in this moment of the heavy peace. _


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

Erwin stood tall by the door. Our eyes did not meet, nor did we acknowledge each other until we entered the room. I shrugged off my coat and shoes. He took off his shoes and sat on the side of the bed. I walked to the other side, nearest to the bathroom. He eyed me as I folded my coat neatly to put it on the bed.

“I'm going to shower.”

I didn’t wait for  a response. I went straight into the bathroom, locked it and leaned against the closed door heavily. I needed to rid myself off this, filth. The hot water sprayed against my skin, the semen washing itself  off and I felt it trickle down my legs making me shudder. I suppose I was used to it. By no means I liked it, the least thing I expected today to happen was to be taken without permission. I taught myself as time passed, blocking out any incoming thoughts, feeling the hatred rather than pursuing the feeling of helplessness, submission to those disgusting clients. Hanji preferred to avoid these situations but I argued that it was inevitable. No matter how careful she was, I knew it was only a matter of time before I faced it. It was a funny thing, rape is. I found myself questioning over and over again: Why.

Did I deserve this? Did anyone deserve to have their sense of humanity to be humiliated in front of some stranger? To someone who they probably trusted? The answer was no. I knew it wasn’t my fault. It never will be. I controlled myself from screaming, thrashing, itching to break those bones because what good will it do to me? I was a weak man. My bones were not sturdy to begin with. I had forgotten what it felt like to be in power over my own body for some time now. I’d only be signing up for some death wish. It is not my position to question it either.

To ponder such useless thoughts when I could be working up the next place where I can have my usual client to meet me casually instead of renting hotel rooms, B&B bedrooms costing us (Hanji) to support those sick bastards for accommodation. But what could I do? If they continue to breathe, walk in the same planet as me, they are also the very reason I am alive. It wasn’t even a matter of trying to cling to hatred and vengeance because at the end of the day this was all business. The man outside this bathroom was here for business, genuine comfort didn’t exist in this place. If he wanted to have a normal functioning friend, lover, he needs to leave this place to seek for that.

I don’t know if he was an idiot. I don’t know why he continues to seek something out of me, something that doesn’t exist. I scrubbed myself until my skin was a burning pink and stepped out of the shower. Dressed in nothing but my boxers, I entered the bedroom to see Erwin sitting on the bed leaning on the headboard staring at the ceiling before his eyes darted to me. He smiled as I crawled on the bed to settle myself beside him. We sat in the usual deafening silence listening to our own heartbeats and I can tell even if his composure so well constructed that he was itching to ask me. I waited for him to speak first, as he always would but I surprised myself when I was the one who spoke first. “I want some water.” He regarded me with wide eyes before he snapped out of it and smiled. A chuckle passed out from his lips, reaching for the bottle of water beside him and handed it to me. As I downed it, he just observed me.

It was an abnormal action to do so but then again I am not the normal typical person so why should I get a say to that? I finished it and gave him the empty bottle. He eyed it, took it. He sighed dropping his hand on the bed and while I was unguarded he took the opportunity to place his finger under my chin. He stared at the red marks on my cheek and I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes. He analyzed it for a few minutes before I snapped. “Take a fucking picture, Erwin. It’ll last longer.” I spat out.

“Forgive me, Levi. I'm curious. Did they do this to you before you came here?” He questioned, hands lingering on my cheek and this was probably the intimate we ever got. His touch was feather soft luring me to lean into it which was an easy trap. His actions weren't real, it was too fbricated by a fantasy he lives in.

“Who's they?”

“Your other clients, of course. Who else?”

I huffed, “You're my client too, you fucking idiot. Don't think you don't fall into the same category as them.” It was almost amusing how he thinks not servicing him in a way my other clients wanted makes him an exception. He was wrong. I don't care what he did, if he didn't show up. He shrugged and scooted closer to my side. I didn't comment on it but stared at the non existent space between us. His eyes amused, glistening, waiting for me to say something but I didn't budge. Didn't see the need to. I realised that I haven't answered his question and he was silent because he was waiting for me to speak. I let out a deep sigh. “A client thought it was funny to bring his friends for our session without paying. He took me by surprise, I'll tell you that. I didn't even notice someone else was in the room.”

I felt him grow tense by my explanation and I was surprised myself how I managed to fluently tell a story where I was should have been scarred. It was a story any person shouldn't be able to talk about so easily, it was almost as if this was a normal occurrence and by the way Erwin grabbed my arm, clutching it with desperation made him come to the same conclusion. I didn't enjoy it, I felt sorry myself for not reacting with violent trembles, shedding tears and fear of being broken and soulless. I felt sorry for myself for thinking that it was okay for this to happen and accepting that it will occur again and again until I am just a mindless walking being. I almot felt sorry for Erwin. The way he looked at me right now made me almost ashamed. It was new but I knew it was so fucking unnecessary.

"And are you okay?” _No. I’m not. I want to leave this place._ I bit my tongue. I nodded meeting his eyes and I wish that I didn’t. They were full of anger and I’ve never seen him look so murderous, predatorous seeking for my retribution. He was sad for _me_.

“Were they one of your regulars?” He asked.

“Yes. Less often than you, though. I think he arranges to meet me every two or three weeks.”

“How-” He paused. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He gave himself a few moments before he spoke again. “And does he do this a lot?” _Do you let him take you forcefully and treat you like a doll?_

“When shit like this happens my boss usually tries her best to let them move to another person. It fucking sucks when you lose a regular over some shitty reason-”

“Levi, rape shouldn’t be tolerated for any of your customers to treat you like that.” Again with the patronizing bullshit. “That bastard doesn't even deserve your time.”

“And what? You think handing them over to another prostitute will solve anything? They’re not going to change, in fact I’m pretty fucking certain they’ll treat that whore worse because they lost their favourite customer. I don’t care what you think. Rape happens and goddammit Erwin it’s not going to stop unless a miracle happens.”

“I have a case full of cash, isn’t this the miracle you were waiting for?”  He got off the bed and took the suitcase on his side of the bed from the floor. He opened it, revealing notes that made my eyes widen. “I'm never going to stop coming to you until you take it because you deserve to get out of this while you still can.”   

“Don’t need it.”

Erwin sighed and I was getting irritated. We've been over this many times, neither of us budging. “Why do you keep persisting?” I was getting impatient. I probably should stop talking but the words flew out of my mouth without a hesitance. “Stop trying to act like some God. What the fuck do you want from me? I don't want your charity, I don't want any of, this. I don't belong in your world of privilege. So fuck off with your suitcase.”                                                                                                     

“It's never too late for anyone to make a fresh start. I care for you as crazy as that sounds. I don't know what this is, Levi. I have the urge to rescue you-”

“I don't need fucking rescuing!” I shouted. Silence grew. This conversation was over. He didn't try to make light talk, only shutting the case closed and settled beside me. As I sat there tensed, he seemed relaxed. As if none of the things happened a moment ago. My lip twitched in irritation as I had the urge to punch this man. Not because he was so calm about all of it but because I knew he was not going to stop. I knew he will not waver and I was pissed because I can't find myself to hate him. I had every reason to but something wouldn't let me and this was difficult, not to mention frustrating, because I hated people. It wasn't that hard for me to hate someone at first sight.

“I'm sorry.” Erwin muttered, shattering the glass between us. I could see him clearly again but he was so out of reach. “I will do something about it.”

“Erwin-”

“Levi.” His voice was cold and distant causing a chill down my spine. I met his eyes, a darker shade of blue and - it was like I was looking a different person. His face lost the gentle look, eyebrows furrowed and lips curved into a devilish smirk. This man I did not know. I didn't know which one was real, which one to choose who to believe but when he said it like a declaration of some silent war it left a cold chill down my body, needed to fight my own way out to find him. “A name. Anything. I only want to speak with him.”

“No can do. Client confidentiality.” I said. He grabbed my hand but when I tried to pull it back he gripped it harder. I pushed his shoulder with my other hand to force a distance, didn't like where this was heading. My mind was alert, senses sharpening, defensive from earlier. Even so I was not useful as my body rejected itself to fight. I was exhausted from today. I glared instead and he brought my hand to his lips.  “I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. You can insult me all you want. But for now I just want to know how you are right now.” He declared, blue eyes pleading. I sighed and shook my head.

It was no use. He managed to dodge the remark ready to leave my mouth in a fluent language as memories from Ralph made me shudder. He notices this, takes the comforter and wraps it around me. When I transformed into a living marshmallow he pulled me closer. He did not say anything, only leaning his head on top of mine as I gave in for this one time and laid my head on his shoulder. I was tense the whole time despite the arms around me were not the ones who grabbed my throat but a safe haven of strong, bulky arms. I hated my body for doing so but my body reacted so naturally in response.

For some weird reason he also notices this and took his arm away. I tilt my head upwards to see why and the look in his eyes were a darker shade of blue, a storm brewing inside of him, but as soon as he meets mine it completely turns into fucking sunshine. It was raining outside dammit. I open my mouth only to be utterly silenced when he kisses me softly on the forehead. I froze. It was supposed to be an act of endearment, it was supposed to make me happy but instead I only felt anger. And for some reason, betrayal.

We spoke to each other lowly, afraid that the night was silently observing us and the rain poured harder. At some point he had wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I let him. It was only for a moment. I closed my eyes but not in bliss, never in relief. I was still alone even when he said he wouldn't leave. He will eventually, just not now.

 

\--

 

_“Oi. Get your hands off me. What do you think you're doing?”_

_“Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you liked to cuddle.” This man was fucking hilarious. I slapped his hands as an attempt to pry him off, and I turned myself around to face him as we lied down on the bed, comforter thrown on the floor._

_Our faces only a metre away, I could smell his minty breath and the lines on his forehead evident. I observed him as he did the same and his lips curved upwards. “You have nice eyes, Levi.”_

_I scoffed. “And you have weird fucking eyebrows.”_

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets a bit graphical about a murder scene so just heads up to anyone who might be slightly triggered in any way.

Hanji pulled me into her arms as soon as I stepped into her house after I informed her of the happenings that took place a few hours ago, it was nearly two in the morning when I knocked on her door. The time I spent with Erwin ended up overextending, which I didn't mind in a comfortable degree. I stiffened under her arms, not quite used to the act of affection. I pried her arms away from me. She grabbed the side of my face checking to see if there was any damage done, her eyes travelled down to my neck and her face fell. “Oh, Levi.” She breathed. She pulled me into another hug, they were so sincere. She was worried, a foreign feeling welled up in my chest, a warm stabbing feeling. My throat constricted as I felt my eyes stinging. Damn, her hugs were getting out of hand. I pried her off once again looking away as I attempt to compose myself without giving anything away.

Of course, she notices this because she smiles at me with such a sad fucking smile. I hated it. She felt sorry for me. I guess she had every right to be feel that way but was that guilt? It wasn’t her fault, her eyes watered under the dim light of her hallway and I wanted nothing more than to turn around. What she had done for me, nothing could ever compare to what anyone would have done if they helped me.

If she felt guilty then I felt inadequate. I was not good enough to uphold my own strength and fight the man back. This man had always been rough with me and I never quite minded that. I had dealt with worse. She led me to the kitchen holding my hand softly and asking me questions about my day.

I answered as normally as I could, trying to fight back breaking down in front of her. The thought of being held down with such a grip, hands hard on my hips, I almost felt like I deserved it. Maybe I did. Nothing I have done right now could ever compensate in the future. This was going to be my life until I take my last breath. Was this how it was going to be? I would never be able to go out of town because Hanji kept very close tabs and even with the slightest hint of a runaway could lead me to my death.

She was caring now but like everyone else she was greedy. She wanted money like everyone else. She only wanted to get by. I knew that. The Square’s population is filled with incentives like them. I badly want to tell her if I could stop seeing him but there was another appointment with him, the last one she promised. She informed me with guilt painted across her face, begging for forgiveness but in what circumstances could I refuse her?

I already knew she was forgiven. She needed this. I needed this too. She sat me down and kneeled in front of me and by this time tears were freely cascading down her cheeks. I brought up my hand to wipe them away. “Stop crying you look hideous.” I muttered.

She shook her head taking hand and leaned on it, “Levi I could cancel this for you. I really fucking want to. But I can’t, he already paid for it and I have policies I myself have to follow. Once this is all over and done with I’m going to look into it more, okay? I’m going to make sure this isn’t going to happen again.” She rambled on and all I could think of was how much a fucking burden I probably was right now.

This was supposed to happen. It happens. You don’t choose who you can be with if you’re tied. I am on a leash and Hanji is barely holding on. She has never really talked to me about the business, judging from her actions I can tell that this does not occur often. She wants her employees to be safe but she needs to know there’s no such thing as a perfect agency.

I silenced her when I put my hand to her mouth and I swiped the tears away with my thumb. This woman is so fucking stupid. “No one could have seen this coming. All you can do is to never let him set any appointment with me or anyone else especially Petra because I know that little shit has a thing for her.” I confided, “Don’t say it’s your fault because I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, Levi. Look at yourself. Just-” She stopped herself and met my eyes, “just don’t hold it in okay? Momma Hanji is here to comfort you.” She grinned.

“I feel like you’re just saying that because you get off from bad gossip from your own employees.” I said shaking my head. She pulled me off the chair and ushered me upstairs.

“Go shower and I’ll leave some fresh clothes outside.” She patted my bottom softly like a mother would do to rush her child to do something. I obeyed wordlessly, not minding that it would be the third time I showered today in fact I would be rid of these god forsaken clothes. When I entered the shower, watching the water go down the drain, I had the urge to scrub myself raw. I grabbed the green loofah hanging from the shower handle, lathered it with soap and began scrubbing my back, my abdomen and then my arms.

I added pressure to it, the burning sensation on my skin was almost a relief, as if every fucking one of those hands had disappeared to nothing. The hot scalding water gave me shivers, hands shaking so immensely the repetitive motion of scrubbing stuttered at some point. My skin was so fucking tainted. I’ve tried to sleep with the thought this was okay, maybe being a prostitute was something I could resign from one day. Not even this shower or from the the one from earlier made me feel satisfied.

“Hey.” Hanji patted the small empty space beside her on the sofa as I entered the living room. She tried to place her arms around me but I swatted them away and she rubbed it, lips out in a pout. “I’m trying to comfort you here! This is how you treat me?”

I gave her a pointed look. “Yes.” I had changed into an oversized long sleeve shirt from Mike’s closet and boxer briefs. I rubbed my bare legs to attempt to get some warmth. We ended up watching a movie in silence even she wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. I could tell how exhausted she was from the dark shade under her eyes and I wasn’t complaining. She fell asleep leaning on my shoulder and I had to shove her away as gently as I could.

I heard the door open and Moblit’s voice calling out for Hanji. His footsteps came closer and he looked surprised to see me with my elbow under her arm trying to pry her off me. He chuckled walking over to grab her shoulders and let her head lay on the arm of the couch. He stroked her hair for a few seconds and I cleared my throat standing up. “Well I have to get going.”

Moblit pulled his hand away and smiled. I nodded and we said our goodbyes silently. I tugged on my winter coat slipping my arms through the sleeves as I stepped out of the cobblestones and out on the pavement. I glanced back at the house where a dim light shone from the living room window. I looked forward, shoving my hands into my pockets and walked.

\--

It was around noon when Hanji said she called me to inform me that Ralph was going to be in the same hotel room for an hour. Duty called. I decided to be as casual as possible as I found no reason to attempt to lure his desires in. I did not want him in me. The thought was fucking repulsive. All I wanted was that man to be dead and out of my life. I put on a white shirt and jeans. I grabbed my black leather jacket and exited my apartment. I lit a cigarette as I took my time to walk to the hotel. I had at least twenty minutes and so I will enjoy my walk.

I needed to gather my thoughts and think about what I am about to do. This was the same man who had just raped me yesterday and he still had the audacity to see me. Some people just refuse to deny their lustful nature. I guess that’s what humans are. We’re greedy motherfuckers.

The weather being decent today, people filled the streets but the Square was still fast asleep. People who had normal jobs, families, friends walking arm in arm while couples held with finger intertwined. I was dressed like anyone else but I knew that I was different from most of the them. I decided to walk by the main street right on the outskirts of the Square, the place where I didn’t belong. I sniffed in the smell of the seaweed before a familiar alleyway on the side showed itself. I entered it before I emerged to the streets of the Square and suddenly I felt more grounded. This. This was where I needed to be.

I arrived at the hotel with two minutes to spare. I nodded at the doorman who just gave me a knowing look. Upon arriving on the second floor I lifted my hand to knock and noticed that the door was open ajar. Confused, I opened the door fully slowly as I held the handle and my eyes widened in horror. Up to this day, I don’t think I could ever recall when I’ve ever seen someone slaughtered in such an inhuman way. My mouth was open, my grip on the handle loosened as it began to shake.

The bloody scene made my stomach clench. I couldn’t even see his head. All I saw were body parts hastily thrown all over the room. This man wasn’t murdered. He was mutilated. The smell of fresh iron was in the air, pungent and I slapped a hand to my mouth as I began to back away. The splattered blood on the walls and the bed soaked with the rest of it. I know that I wished he was dead but it didn’t mean I wanted to witness the shitfest this was.

Whoever killed him was in a rage but there were no signs of struggles, the furniture were still in place, bed made, the only thing out of place was what was left of this man. I walked out of the hotel, Hanji’s name on the screen of my phone but my finger was frozen above the call icon. I needed to call her and tell her what just happened. Every person I passed by were suspicious, the person could be watching me right now and was just waiting for the right moment but who was to tell that I was also being targeted? I jumped at the tiniest scuffle behind me. The sight of the pigeons did not calm me in anyway.

Suddenly, someone pulled my arm harshly and I didn’t have a chance to scream as I was dragged into a dark alleyway, a large hand covered my mouth.

I was released almost immediately, just as I was about to leg it Erwin’s face greeted me and I couldn’t move as he was smiling at me all the while his tie was stained with crimson and his gloved hands was soaking, a red liquid dripping from it. My body couldn’t take it anymore and I lurched forward. I hurled and emptied my breakfast on the pavement. I felt even more disgusted as a hand rubbed my back in comfort. I growled at the touch.

I lifted my head, ready to glare, snap at him but as our eyes met I only felt dread seeing the smile on his face. I was trying so hard not to fall apart, trying to deny the adrenaline pumping through me because this man was a killer. He killed people and he still looked like fucking sunshine. I wasn’t even angry. I couldn’t be. Why should I be? I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. I was lost. I had no idea what to say. Shocked by the fact that Ralph was just murdered.

“Levi.” His voice soft as he called my name.

I had no choice but to meet his eyes properly and his hands were at my arms running it up and down to soothe me. “I know what you’re thinking. But you see, Ralph was a bad man. He was doing some shady business for some corporates.” He explained. As if this made a fucking difference. “I figured I could have done it with a solid evidence against him. But I got impatient. Not after finding out that this man did-” His hands cupped my back and my breath hitched at the gentle touch, “- this to you. I did both of us a favour.”

I stood there dumbfounded. “What- Why?” It was if he grew another head. He chuckled. He stepped forward and instinctively I took a wary step back.

“My job is to follow orders. They tell me who the target is and I always obliged without a passing thought.” He spoke, voice low and menacing, walking towards me slowly. I hit the back of the wall and he brought his hands to cage me on both sides of my head. “I was the best at doing it. Do you know why?”

His eyes held a precarious glint, something I always noticed but disregarded. “Because I don’t think I ever cared to kill. It was my life so I never felt anything by taking anyone’s life. But you made me feel the urge to kill for the first time.”

It was hard to tell if he was lying. I wished that he was lying. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to succumb to the truth right in front of me. It was a lie. He was lying.

He grabbed my hand and brought it to his chapped lips, leaning on it. I couldn’t find any resolve to hate him anymore. I was furious, wanted to punch this man and leave him to chase after me. I wanted him to beg even when I am nearly out of breath, until I grow tired of running and running away from what could be something I probably longed for in the back of my head. He was a dangerous man. I couldn’t tell what he thought of me and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I hated that. “You’re a cruel man, Levi -” His voice broke mid sentence and my heart lurched up my throat, “for making a hopeless man fall in love with you.”

Time didn't stop as he said this, the world still continued turn, people continued to pass by. The man who saw Erwin's suit only gave a look of wariness before he went about his business. The numbness disappeared and everything just rushed to the surface and my body shook, overwhelmed. 

My eyes stung as I stood there helplessly trying to catch my breath, hoping that I would wake up and find out that this was some sick dream. I denied myself again and again, my thoughts were screaming at me now to run but my legs didn’t move. I remained in place as grey and blue eyes clashed together in a battle to fight the storm that brewed inside of us only no one was actually fighting. I already lost the battle that I created for myself. I closed my eyes as I felt myself crumbling down.

“You’re an idiot.” I muttered as I brought up my arm to hide my face but I knew that he saw the tears as it fell down uncontrollably.

\--

_“Royal flush.” I dropped my deck in the middle of the bed with a satisfied smirk._

_“Ah, I lost again. I guess I need to do better next time.” Erwin chuckled shaking his head._

_I scoffed, “That’s what you said three game ago.”_

_“I guess I’m just bad at card games.” It was a lie._

_“You're just too easy to read.”_

_That was also a lie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1000 hits already wow guys thank you! I'm sorry for the lack of updates but it's senior year so it's been very busy >~


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